SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet
known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one
neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant
deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However,
it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to
complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It
does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a
portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places..

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists
to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a
critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much
energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice
as many morons.

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